D/s, Living and Marriage

Relationships have never been my expertise. I am the chauvinist caveman after all. But I did figure out what is the right situation for me. And that is the most important thing.

I was married to a wonderful woman. Which was unknown to me the beginning of my D/s journey unnofficially. She was my original submissive. And I never realized it through the freaky stuff like atm and all. She opened a door to my life that I wasn't fully aware of yet at all. But of course the blueprint for the woman I fall for and works out best for me. She was my sex slave, my sub and served me. All the things I need in a relationship for permanently. And I never even realized that until too late. Until now basically. After she was dead and gone.

Since delving into bdsm fully and comprehending I have realized the precursors to my interest and desire in this lifestyle. From the control and service of another. To the management of them and life. It is what I have been doing all my life. Just understood and dealt with more effectively now.

Even that I am the cold, motherfucker that turns his feelings off. I want to get married again and have the D/s relationship fully and properly this time. Knowing what I am doing and living it fully. I believe that they can coexist together. Hell, I have seen some examples of it. The issue of course would be reproducing a second miracle of marriage and the right woman. It was a shock when lightning struck the first time and I found my wife. But now I am deep inside wanting lightning to strike twice. An astronomical feat. But there has been some hope somehow lately.

Hope has lied in dating Lil Red. That vibe that I got when I met my wife before we got married and were getting to know each other happened again. This time it was more challenging than it was with Chocolate Doll. The weird meter has broken off and is still going. But I saw what I wanted and needed in her a year ago. When I told her and blew her mind about it because in her mind there was no way or it to make sense. And hell things have been a ride ever since we chose to date. And our parental units have only made the challenge reach another level at times. But, in Lil Red I found the perfect mix of D/s, intelligence, personality and thinking. Plus the freakiness I need. All the factors that told me take a chance because this might be that miracle you seek. And I took a chance. tried to claim what I needed. Claiming is a two way street though and that street has been one with a roundabout and that arrow sign leading to another one.

Yeah, I found what I want and need. But reality has set in. I can't do like I use to and do a 3rd army assault on it. I am stuck with being patient and figuring out the riddle of the sphinx inside a chinese puzzle box that is sitting in an enigma. lol The no longer being gung ho has kept me from just saying fuck it and deal with patience. And the negative effects has dulled my heart fully.

Awaiting the results is harrowing. But as I always say lately. Just have to let things be "it is what it is." And just deal with the results and move on from them.

Looking towards the future. Wishing that it was all happening as planned and the happily ever after and again was already happening.