To Lead, Exist and Think

I have been the Standout. The one that no one really could grasp. But there have been the elite that could understand and accept who and how I am. Like Chocolatedoll and Ru.

My track record with females and women has shown to be a rough course. The type of woman that I require is uniquely difficult, high strung and the unicorn that perplexes and makes others crave them. These types are also the ones that are that thin line of crazy. But the one that I married was perfect and the one I am dating was and is potential.

My silence, intensity and everything are always what have led. The actions and style that has given people the understanding that I move and think with purpose. Whether working or personally I have been the silent one that commanded when the need arose. Spoke and showed the way. The man that people came to for help and counsel. I have never flaunted this or bragged about this. It simply was. One of the basis for me being a Dominant.

My life has been service, leadership and support. Until almost a decade ago I made a decision to actually invest in myself. To give myself the importance I had given away for so many decades. Seems like too little, too late ended up the case from this though. That transition from nice guy to Just Me was a huge one. As LR says constantly I am not the person that does anything or thinks in the gray area.

Time's movement has shown me survival whether I wanted it or not. Through that I have perservered and strengthened myself. As well as cut and burned away the unecessary and refuge of people and things. Thus the very tight circle of people I am personal with. Well it may not be a circle anymore. More like a sniper team.

I made it through things by having my wife and Ru with me. The two that kept me from being a serial killer and destroying everyone 5 times over with the deathstar. The simple things like companionship, laughter, conversation, love, understanding and acceptance with great sex, a desire to have a strong, working relationship are main parts of the things that keep me happy and comfortable. Things that I don't think LR really can grasp at all. That who you are and with me are the keys for me to be at peace, happy and care free. Even when I am stressed, angry and in World War Hulk mode. That position calms and soothes me. Simply put my relationships hold the key to me not flipping out on the human race. Without it I am angry and very volatile. Since Chocolate Doll has been gone there has only been Ru and she was going through her stuff with her ex husband and all anyway. Which regardless she continued to be the Other Road Warrior with me. I felt that need fulfilled with LR. That was another reason I became comfortable with her. I just wonder if that is possible, premature or what. When I am with her I can get some rest, I can be at ease, I can get needed release, actually feel. Since it has been a year since the last time I am way past the point of no return. I am crushed beneath the pain and suffering because of it. All I can do is be World War Hulk and deal with it all.

My mind is a labyrinth of astounding information that constantly collides together. A mumble jumble of things. When I need to evaluate things and set it all in motion there is no problem. But it is part of the reason I don't sleep. There is no turn off for my mind.

So right now my thinking is doing me in. Upset over allowing emotions and feelings to surface instead the coldness that I use to be. My heart burns molten lava brightly. Ferrocious and fiercely intent on my relations.

I wonder if my thinking could completely repurpose me. Make things better though icy displacement.

I remain lost in my thoughts. Haunted and plagued by my thoughts. Lost in them. Constantly using them during repeated analysis and evaluations.

See...even now I am lost in this thinking. And this post has gotten long as can be.

Let the Evil One stop here then.